The Potty Rant

Once I saw on Oprah that the least used stall in a public restroom is the first one. I guess, as women, we walk in and naturally overlook the first option. “Nah, I'm sure there's something better down the line”. We don't like to commit- we keep our options open as long as possible. Sort of like, it's the high school dance and the first guy who asks us to go is nice and handsome, but we say no or don't give an answer because we don't want to sell ourselves short . And if they're available, the high school quarterback of stalls is the big handicap cubicle. It's spacious, and if you've overindulged in dairy products the day before and are having a hard time getting things going, you have those nice bars for leverage.(I know, TMI. Sorry). But if the big one is occupied or, unflushed, or there is someone who LEGITAMTELY needs the handicap stall, we go ahead and settle for the closest one. As we've gone down the line, we are suddenly less picky and are at the point when we just need a stall- preferably a clean one.
Now I go into a restroom and think, “well, now that the “first stall” information was on The Oprah Show, is the first stall now the MOST used?” When the anti-germ expert gave her this information, Oprah looked so elated! As though, now she is equipped to avoid all manner of communicable diseases, and was like, “Thank You. You have saved my life”. Then I remembered that she is an Academy Award nominated actress. Knowing this is not going to change her life or habits in any way. Really, when was the last time THE Oprah- Oprah Winfrey had to use a public toilet? Could you imagine, being at the mall, sitting in your cubicle, minding your business, when this hand reaches under the stall and it's OPRAH- “can you spare a square?”. I would be so excited and overwhelmed, I wouldn't even be able to think! I would just grab my stuff and run out – wouldn't zip or wash up or anything. I would be all out of breath and tell my girlfriends, “It's Oprah! She's stranded in the bathroom with no toilet paper! What do I do?”
But that could never happen. Number one, like I'd be in the restroom without my girlfriends! Women like wolves- we prefer to mate for life and travel in packs. Number two, When you hit that level of success Oprah is at, do you even have to use the bathroom anymore? Isn't there some super secret procedure you can pay some exorbitant amount to have someone else take care of that for you? Some type of bodily waste teleportation device?
If it DID happen, you can be sure it would be at Nordstom's because, even if you're not shopping there, they do have the nicest bathrooms. They always have a lounge with magazines, where you can sit and wait for your friends to be done. And the baby changing stations are so well equipped. I was a really young mother- I was married at 21 and had our daughter eleven months later, so I was clueless about baby things. I was so happy that universally ladies rooms even had changing stations. Because if they didn't, what would I have done? Just let her sit chaffing in her diaper until I got home? Certainly not! I'd have to go to the car or something.
When our young family would be out and the need would arise to go to the ladies room, my husband would go on and on about how lucky women were to have such posh restrooms. He made it sound as though men's rooms had a just concrete slab with a drain in the middle of the room, and a communal bucket they all had to use.
Disneyland Park has a FANTASTIC place for babies and young children with several nice changing stations, little preschool sized potty's, private nursing stations, and a section with microwaves and high chairs to feed older babies. Little old ladies in turn of the century costumes could sell you diapers, wipes, formula or binkey's should you need them. We were on a Disney visit in the company of a friend of my husband's who's young wife tragically died, leaving him with two very young children. I thought, “Thank God the park has this facility, because what would this poor man do, otherwise?” I was being so helpful, giving our friend the 411 on the little Potty Place. He looked at me like I was nuts. He said, “I just change them in the men's room” I was appalled! I asked, what does he do, “put a mat on the FLOOR?”. He then informed me, “No, they have changing tables in men's bathroom”.
SO! The secret was out! I was under the impression that amenities in a men's restroom were limited to paper towels, at BEST! I sharply turned to my husband, who was looking at his friend with eyes as big as dinner plates shaking his head. I then asked this friend if ALL men's rooms had changing facilities. He said, yes, malls and restaurants and, yes, theme parks were all equipped with changing tables. My husband then cast his face down in shame. BUSTED!
He was able to pay his friend back for arming me with this information later in the day when we stopped for a snack. Although his friend is good enough to change his kid's own poopies instead of using his charm on an older woman to do it for him, he DID NOT like cleaning up food mess. After telling his children the French Fry Cart was “out of ketchup”, my husband heroically exclaimed, “No, there's PLENTY of ketchup! I'll bring you some. They've got TONS!”
Which leaves me with the comfort that in this world, the bathroom is the great equalizer. Whether you are Oprah, a young mom, or a widowed father, we all appreciate nice restrooms.