Well, yippee skippy, it's another new year. A time to “start fresh”, get organized, resolve to get healthy and be the best “You” you can be! Yes, it's January- the gym is packed, the supplement isle at WalMart crowded, Carpet cleaners and Space Bags are on sale, Nutri System has had a jump in revenue, and we've all filled our crisper drawers with future decayed vegetables we will be throwing out by Valentines Day.We WILL Watch more PBS and less E. Quit buying lattes and start buying Money Markets. Clean out the closets and clean up the language. Start Going to Church, Stop Overspending. We are going to drink less, exercise more, stop smoking, and throw out that Cold Stone Frequent Customer punch card (only to curse ourselves by April when we would have earned our free Love It Sized Cake Batter with Reese's-@%$!). I just don't do “resolutions”.
As you can tell, I have fallen off the Wellness Wagon once or twice. My “New Year's Resolution” list had become the painful “Stuff I'll Fail to Accomplish Again” list. I am so NOT in denial! I am all acceptance all the time. But why do we feel the need to change? To be something different than we are? I have a good life. My husband loves me the way I am. I am content the way things are. But am I really Fat and Happy, or am I just Bitter and Beefy? Is it just less painful to accept sucking at weight loss and having chronically clean dresser drawers than to do the work required to truly succeed at change?
This last year, I thought I had actually done rather well as far as my habits went. I was exercising regularly. RUNNING even! The Coke was almost completely OUT. We started cutting down the size of our family dinners. I was in the size ten jeans. All was well. Then, on November 4th, I paid my semi annual visit to my doctor, sure to be praised for all the weight I've lost, only to find I had lost only four pounds in six months! WTF???!! Are you KIDDING ME? And save your “muscle weighs more than fat” B.S., and “you really should look at inches, not pounds” hogwash (even though you're right). I would never let anyone know it, but I was devastated. I told myself the number didn't matter, which is why I don't keep a scale at home, or I would be continually discouraged. But it did matter. AND I wanted not only the weight loss but the recognition. I left with neither.
So I said “Screw it! Bring on the Holidays! Where is that Halloween Candy? Super-size it!” Why do I do that? What comfort does abusing my body actually bring? It must bring something, because I do it every stinking time! I get this attitude like, “I'll show 'em!” when the only one I'm “showing” is ME. “Hello, Universe! If I can't be 135 lbs, then I'll be TWO hundred and thirty five pounds! I'M in control of MY world. I can eat seven cupcakes for breakfast if I want to! NO ONE CAN STOP ME! BWWWAAAHAHHAHAAAA!”
Idiot.
But I'm finding that I have more to lose than just pounds and inches. I have to lose the pseudo “I'm in control” attitude, because I am sooooo NOT, or I wouldn't default to the sugar addiction whenever I get all pouty. But at least I have a “normal” issue. Not like those freaks on A&E who are addicted to wearing furry suits and eating chalk. ( Yes, I also make myself feel better about my poor parenting by watching the stupid mothers on Toddler's and Tiaras”)
I know “how” to live healthy, but I don't think I know how to change. Oh, I can switch up my habits for a while. Like, I'm pretending to be this other person who juices and eats vegetables and measures out buckwheat and rice milk for breakfast, when the REAL me wants two sausage mcMuffins and a large Coke. I have not been successful taking the “Act my way to different thinking” approach, but I don't think I'm having much luck with “thinking my way to different acting” either. My Thinker is busted. So I suppose that's where I start- but with a bit more commitment than I've shown previously by simply paroozing the Self Help section at the public library. It will take “goal setting” and “Planning”(YUCK).
But don't go thinkin' this is some sort of “New Year's Resolution”, because it's NOT!
